Explanation

I can’t explain the things that I feel.

A panic that has made its home in me. Like I’m not supposed to be here, like I’m running out of time. There’s so much I want to see, want to do. I’m terrified I won’t ever get to experience any of it. I have such a longing, a desperate and painful desire to just GO.

To DO.

To FEEL.

It’s like God built me with skin and bones and blood and a heart. And then, somewhere in the middle of all of it, He put this excitement in me. Built in, programmed in, burned deep inside of my soul, wetting my insides with blue flame, scorching my brain and my heart. This unquenchable, untreatable, untamable Adventure. This thing. This wonderful, hungry animal in my soul that is constantly clawing and struggling inside of me, twisting and contorting to fit the shape of my arteries, ripping through my veins, sending electric heat to every part of my body. I can hear it groan sometimes from inside the confines of my bending rib cage, barred in.

I don’t understand it. I know what it wants, but I don’t know how to give it what it needs. And the longer I go without feeding it, the more savage it becomes. Incomprehensible hunger. Gnawing and gnashing, grinding its teeth on my very being, on who I am, making my bones shake in their muscles.

The only time this yearning is at peace is when I am living. And I mean truly living. Fucking living. Whoever said that life is in the little moments was obviously not built with the Adventure inside of them. A lot of people aren’t.

It’s the difference between hopping the fence or turning back because the gate is locked. Between looking down that long, dark dirt road, having no idea where it leads, hearing nothing but the Texas woods, smelling only dirt and still deciding to walk into that uncertainty because that’s exactly what you’re looking for, isn’t it? In a life so predictably heart breaking. That is exactly what you are looking for – uncertainty, expectation, excitement, life… Because, really, what is life without the possibility of death.

It’s the difference between choosing that dusty road or choosing to turn around and walk back to your car because you would rather be safe than sorry. The difference between “fuck yes” and “fuck that.”

It is staring out into the clouds at 10,000 feet and, terrified, rolling out of the plane and into the blue. Spreading your arms wide. Your entire body, your entire being, your entire life filled with nothing but wind. And knowing that whatever happened to you, all the terrible things you’ve done in your life, every horrible thing that has happened to you up to this point, no matter how fucked up, was really all okay, all worth it somehow. Because in life’s strange way, all of those things ended up working perfectly together to get you right here in the middle of these clouds. Just another piece of the sky, another ray of sunlight.

I can’t explain the things that I feel.

I’m not searching for my time to shine, for my moment in the sun. I’m searching for my chance to BE the sun. To BE the wind.

To see and taste and feel all the things that they do.

 

7 thoughts on “Explanation

  1. Misty Green

    Girl, you have energy I never knew existed. Amazing form with words, exhilarating! You have a natural talent Hannah!!

    Like

    Reply
  2. Becky

    Your words bring life to the person I know you to be. You couldn’t have captured your zest for life any better. I’m so proud of you my precious girl! You are a true writer.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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